Willingness
A pivotal moment for me came when I saw how ‘willingness’ is the central thing around which everything else revolves.
What do I mean by that?
I heard from a friend that a certain Buddhist teacher, Khandro Rinpoche, had said something along the lines of: “Anyone can be enlightened right now. But we aren’t willing to be with the discomfort that comes with being present in every moment. So we choose not to be enlightened, choose not to be awake, moment by moment.”
This was a mind-blowing angle for me. Previously, somehow without realizing it, I think I was waiting for the right thing to come along – the right teacher, the right book, the right practice, the right words…something that would permanently change me.
What I realized from Khandro Rinpoche’s words was: It is my own unwillingness to be with what is in the present moment, what is happening in awareness, that keeps me stuck in patterns and reactivity, away from the aliveness, wisdom, and compassion that I know is always available to me.
A big step in developing awareness is developing a deeper intimacy with our unwillingness, without judgement -- our unwillingness to see what is actually happening in our minds and in the world, when we are attacked, afraid, excited, bored, shamed, guilty, hopeful. In a sense, as much as we might have a conscious commitment to awareness, there is also a hidden and unconscious commitment to protecting ourselves at all costs, by telling ourselves (and others) stories about our experience. We learned to do this as children and now the habit is very deeply ingrained in us.
Out of that realization came the practice that I’ve often used in my everyday life: seeing what is in the moment that makes me not want to be aware. A question I often keep in mind is “what bounces me out of the present?” -- and seeing what comes up moment to moment. Not forcing myself to be different at all, not trying to change or fix anything – just seeing, over and over, what kinds of events, feelings, thoughts, body sensations, propel me out of the moment (sometimes as if I’ve been shot from a cannon) and into caught-up thinking. Through other teachings, and eventually my own experience, I had gained the faith that ‘just seeing’ my obstacles to awareness would eventually make an impact – and it did -- but the willingness to see my unwillingness comes first.
"The way of awakening and freedom requires that we ask ourselves, with all of the earnestness, honesty and humility at our command, just this one fundamental question:
'Am I willing to live this moment with as much attention and affection as possible, or am I going to do something else?'
...how we answer it determines not only the depth of our spiritual surrender, but the depth of our happiness and freedom as well. If you opt for the 'something else' just be honest with yourself that that is, in fact, what you are doing. There is no point in judging it as either good or bad. It's just good to see who is making the decision." Scott Morrison