Exploration: The Five Whys
Just to be contrary, this exploration involves asking ‘why’ in a focused way…! Sometimes when we look with genuine openness and curiosity, without analyzing in circles but looking freshly, ‘why’ can be helpful.
If we can’t get a feeling for what is ‘underneath’ a feeling or an issue, or why something bothers us, it can be frustrating. A friend talked about an exercise she learned where you ask yourself ‘why?’ five times, going deeper and deeper. This is not a brain, analytical ‘why’, but an attempt to sit silently with the circumstances and feel for the deeper truth.
Often, the place we get to is a new understanding of what lies under our patterns of reaction and behaviour.
Here are a couple of examples, to make it more clear:
Starting point:
I’m always late.
Why? (imagining the circumstances, really feeling what is behind that)
I don’t want to be kept waiting by others.
Why? (again, really feeling what it feels like to be kept waiting)
When I’m waiting I feel uncomfortable.
Why? (sitting with the feeling of discomfort)
I feel uncomfortable sitting in a place alone.
Why? (still sitting with the feeling of discomfort)
I feel worried that others will judge me.
Why?
I’m always worrying that people will judge me…I judge myself, and others, all the time.
When something upsets me I like to sort it out myself, and not talk about it.
Why? (sitting with the feeling of being upset and choosing to talk instead)
Talking about feelings is pointless.
Why? (sitting with the feeling of pointlessness)
The other person might not understand and then I’ll regret telling them.
Why?
It makes me feel vulnerable, and I don’t want to feel that way.
Why?
When I was vulnerable as a child, someone always took the chance to hurt me.
It’s important to ask the ‘why’ in a very open, spacious way, being willing to see or feel something new or deeper than you might usually see. You won’t always get to a place where you see something new – but sometimes you will.