How We Speak
Question: The idea of ‘right speech’ can be confusing. Part of me wants to just be myself, be open, honest, genuine. The idea of ‘saying things in the right way’ feels phony and contrived. Yet I also understand we can do damage with our speech. (2009)
I’ve had some of the same kinds of thoughts over the years
I used to be criticized for being too direct at times. I found it phony or weird to sugarcoat things or modulate my responses and speech.
For some reason I’ve shifted on that one – I think I see more clearly that what I was calling “open and genuine” was often just my neurosis, fear, aggression, vomiting up all over other people. Which I suppose is open and genuine – but not helpful.
So somewhere along the way I decided that ‘helpful’ was sometimes more important than in-the-moment spontaneity.
Though I think I’m still quite spontaneous a great deal of the time – but what I think happens now inside of me is that the more a situation has emotional content for me or others, the more I try to slow down and monitor my internal reactions (rather than the reverse, speeding up and just spitting it out) and shift into intuiting, as best I can, what is helpful in the situation.
So it doesn’t feel to me like it has to be either/or – that there is a time and place for both spontaneity and carefulness.
I agree that some of what portrays itself as skillful *is* just self-protection…so, I just need to keep noticing my own intentions when I speak...