Patterns and Strategies
As discussed, we can imagine frameworks and belief systems as the hidden architecture of the ‘reality picture’ that we unconsciously build. We have ways of responding to that world that are mostly automatic and subconscious. These shade from completely hidden (from us!) patterns of behaviour to semi-conscious or conscious strategies for protecting ourselves, getting what we want or pushing away what we don’t want.
Some personal examples of patterns and strategies:
>>>In the family where I grew up, everyone liked to talk and had a hard time being a good listener. There was a lot of interrupting and changing the topic back to what the other person wanted to talk about. Consequently, I have two patterns that are very hard to overcome – even though I now see them. I have the habit of speaking very quickly, because my growing-up experience was – better get your thoughts in fast before you lose the other person’s attention…! Also, I have the habit of interrupting – because it was the norm in our conversations, and often the only way to get a chance to speak. As much as I can clearly see these habits, they were so deeply ingrained for so long that they often still arise automatically before I can stop myself.
>>>One strategy people use for getting what they want is hinting – not asking for what you want directly, but dancing around the topic enough that the other person ends up offering what you want. A humourous example of how early our strategies can kick in: my company worked out of offices in my basement, and several people came to work at my house. My three-year-old tried to get my co-workers to read to him and play with him, and I explained to him that he had to stop doing that – that he could play with his brother or me or the babysitter, but the other people needed to be able to work. Shortly after that, he sidled up to one of them with a book in his hand, let out a big sigh, and said mournfully, “I too young to read…”. In his mind, if he got them to offer, he wasn’t flouting the instructions, yet could get what he wanted.
>>>I remember a conversation that I had as a young manager in the 1980s, when an older male executive took me aside and gave me some advice. He told me that I was quite good at my job and I should have more confidence in myself. Though I appreciated his goodwill, I was puzzled; I actually felt quite confident in my job. Thinking over his examples, I realized he had the opposite impression because of the way I behaved in meetings. Growing up in the 60’s, it wasn’t culturally encouraged for a woman to appear too smart, confident or powerful. I absorbed that message and without realizing it often couched my opinions and requests in spacious, self-deprecating ways, particularly around other male executives. They were more direct and even aggressive with each other, which they saw as confident behaviour.
“Reaction is always based on past experience. Elements of any present situation resonate with the past and trigger habituated patterns that formed and developed on the basis of past experience. When patterns are triggered, attention goes out the window. What we see, what we feel, and what we do are shaped by the complex interactions of conditioned patterns from the past.”
Ken McLeod, Wake up to Your Life
We all have behaviour patterns and strategies for approaching the world, dealing with others, avoiding criticism, reinforcing our sense of who we are, and getting what we need.
Some common strategies for meeting the world include:
--‘packaging’ – presenting information and feelings to others very carefully and well-thought-out in advance, so as to avoid being vulnerable
--‘collapsing’ – withdrawing from everything to protect and recover
--‘hinting’ – getting what we want indirectly
--‘helping’ – putting the focus on others so they will like us, so we don’t have to feel our our own feelings, so we will feel like a good person, so we don’t have to feel helplessness or hopelessness
--‘ignoring’ anything that might touch off vulnerability or emotions – averting from it decisively
--‘worrying’ in the hopes that our fear and attention will ward off that which we’re worrying about
--‘blaming’ when there is anything wrong – always looking outside of ourselves even when, from a more objective viewpoint, we are a contributor to the problem
--‘shame and guilt’ when there is anything wrong – always looking to fix ourselves when there is anything wrong, even if, from a more objective viewpoint, it is nothing to do with us
--‘controlling’ everything that can possibly be controlled, by thinking through every eventuality and trying to maximize the good possibilities and avert the bad
“We think we are responding to each other consciously, spontaneously, out of the present situation, but we’re not. Instead, stored-up images and programs, with their connected feelings and emotions, are constantly being triggered and projected.”
Toni Packer, The Light of Discovery
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