Narcissism
There can be a fine line between these two things: paying more attention to what is actually happening in our minds and hearts – vs -- becoming unhelpfully self-centred and self-focussed.
The difference can be hard for us to tell, particularly in the beginning. You may need to ask someone you trust. But essentially, the journey should eventually lead to increased compassion and expansion; more opening of the heart and more giving of our time and energy to others; and more attention on others than ourselves. If it devolves into a self-focussed path of feeling fascinating and special (even if special only in how screwed-up you are), without a corresponding opening towards others, then you might have taken a narcissistic byway.
What do we do with that? We look at it…and what might be underneath. What would happen if we felt ordinary? Would we be fearful, devastated, boring, ‘erased’? Is our sense of self dependent on feeling special and different?
Can we develop an intimacy with that need and that energy? Can I see it as it actually is, with compassion?
“…But I can get very much caught up in what my feelings are, how I am feeling at each moment. This is thinking about feelings. It’s not direct feeling. It is a commentary. It’s the same thing as thinking “Now I’m attentive”, “Now I’m feeling this way and that way” and becoming very important and interesting to myself and others by thinking about all the things I feel. Can there be simple awareness of what’s going on without making something out of it?”
Toni Packer, The Light of Discovery
“Expressing to myself and to others what I am feeling easily adds to the “collected works” about myself, which continues to strengthen the sense of self, of “me”. It’s very rewarding to talk about myself, and to arouse someone else’s interest in myself. We are deeply attached to the story of our life and love rereading it and adding new material to it…Can we watch all of this very carefully, learning about ourselves in all simplicity without accumulating and without holding on?”
Toni Packer, The Light of Discovery
