List Consciousness
One thing we might notice about our minds as we look closer is the extent to which ‘lists’ subtly dominate our thoughts.
This is something I’ve been working with on a daily basis – getting in touch with that sense of having to ‘get through’ a list of tasks, a sense that I’m leaning forward into the future, pushing my natural energy level and trying to just get it all done, without fully being there as I’m going through my day.
What do I think will happen when it’s all done? Number one -- it’s never ‘all done’, is it? Number two -- my subconscious feeling is that when it’s done, or done ‘enough’, I can relax. When I remember that I can actually relax now, while I’m doing work or chores, something shifts – the aliveness comes into the making of tacos, the sweeping of broken glass, the stop at the store, the telephone call.
This can also be true in a larger sense. We may have a checklist of things that we believe we need to make us happy – enough money, the right partner, a fulfilling job, good health, the happiness of our family members and friends, a good place to live. We spend our lives trying to wrestle all of those things so that everything is how we want it to be. I’ve heard this called ‘the Goldilocks zone’ – where everything is not too hard, not too soft, not too cold, not too hot, it’s all just right.
But how often do we achieve the golden state where all of those things are in exactly the right place? For most of us – never, at least not for very long at a time! So we are setting ourselves up – we are always putting off feeling alive and being with our lives right here, until we accomplish something that is extremely unlikely or even impossible.
“’List consciousness’ is a state of mind that is entirely future-oriented. With a subtle but constant quality of rushing, it operates on the premise that life will happen once everything is crossed off The List…When you are in list consciousness, you are leaning into the future and completely missing the present. Practicing presence punctures the fantasy that somehow life will begin when the kids’ soccer season is over or when I lose ten pounds or even when I take that meditation course and learn how to be more present! Practicing presence is bringing ourselves to the recognition that life is happening right now – and it is inviting us to wake up and notice.”
Abby Seixas, Finding the Deep River Within