Exploration: Why Am I Speaking?
Choose to explore this some time when you are in a group, and in a curious frame of mind. Every time you have the urge to open your mouth and speak, don’t (at least at first). Notice what feelings or urges prompted you to want to speak. Did you want to help someone out? Defend yourself? Have people see you in a certain way – expert, generous, funny? Correct someone? Direct the situation? Criticize someone or something? Clarify something?
Obviously, if the building is on fire, you need to speak up. But most times it’s not as urgent to talk as we think it is, so there will be no harm done from holding back momentarily. If it still seems important to say what you wanted to say, you can always do it a minute later.
Try this exercise in various situations with different groups – work, family, friends. If you find it helps you to see yourself more clearly, you could try doing for a short period of time every day.
Again, the purpose of these explorations is not to judge or criticize our behavior (i.e. speaking). It’s not to imply that we should speak less. The value comes in interrupting what we automatically do, to see what lies underneath that impulse. Usually the only way to see the impulse is to hold back the behavior – that usually makes the impulse come into focus more clearly.
“I’ve found that I can only change how I act if I stay aware of my beliefs and assumptions. Thoughts always reveal themselves in behaviour. As humans, we often contradict ourselves – we say one thing and do another. We state who we are, but then act contrary to that. We say we’re open-minded, but then judge someone for their appearance. We say we’re a team, but then gossip about a colleague. If we want to change our behaviour, we need to notice our actions, and see if we can uncover the belief that led to that response. What caused me to behave that way and not some other way?”
Margaret Wheatley, Turning to One Another
Next: List Consciousness