Compassion and Gentleness
How do we undertake this journey towards presence while not being too hard on ourselves? How do we make it gentle and sustainable, not a joyless or grueling quest to change ourselves? The answer lies directly in that ‘seeing’ we’re talking about – seeing, rather than fixing.
In the past, we might have made an effort to focus on our surroundings, with a kind of grim determination that is tiring and short-lived. I used to think that ‘being present’ was like that effort or ability to notice the people, things and events taking place around me.
One thing I’ve learned, that I wish I’d known sooner, is that 95% of the movement towards being present is seeing what is inside of me more clearly – after all, it’s what is taking place in my mind that is blocking my ability to stay present with what’s happening “out there”.
One distinction that I tend to make about spiritual and personal growth teachings is this: some of them are ‘prescriptive’ (“here is how you should be”) and some are ‘descriptive’ (“what is actually taking place?”). I would categorize what I’ve written about here as ‘descriptive’. The object is to develop clear awareness of what is happening in our minds. The more we do that, the more we see ourselves and the world clearly.
It is a much more gentle approach than our usual efforts to push and pull ourselves into a new person. Yet, from what I’ve seen of the evolution of people around me, it’s also the most powerful. Just see…and see some more.
When we talk about ‘seeing’ our stories, for most people it’s very hard to do that without wanting to change things: get rid of my story; fix what I see; feel bad about what I’ve discovered.
My experience is that the act of seeing in itself is transformative. Developing an intimacy with our minds brings change with virtually no conscious effort. Sometimes it almost seems like magic. The more we can see, the more transformative it will be.
One thing I often say is: If you think you have to fix everything you see, how much will your mind ‘allow’ you to see? Not very much – it would be exhausting, and discouraging.
If it’s possible to think of it this way, you can imagine it being like an anthropological project. You could imagine you are writing a thesis on the stories of the obscure tribe that lives in your head…you are not trying to change what happens, just notice clearly what actually does happen.
This instruction too can be the occasion of judgment. “Oh, I’m supposed to see without criticizing or trying to fix, and there I go, criticizing again. I’ll never get it!” Instead, the judgment itself can just be seen clearly as well. “I see my stories; then I judge and plot to change; then I see myself criticizing myself and judge some more.” If we can have a sense of humour about the way the human mind works, it helps. At other times, the heartbreaking attempt to be different, better or ‘good enough’ can touch us deeply when we see it so openly.
Next: Motivation
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