Belonging and the Body
(this was a blog posting by Liz Rappeport, a body awareness therapist, posted to a group blog that of an awareness group that we are in together; as well, there is reply by one of the other members; both postings with permission of the authors)
Belonging is a word we ascribe to the feeling/sensation of comfort and warmth, a palpable sense of ‘being home’? Yet one’s personal sense of belonging is different for each person.
Take a moment and let yourself dwell on a feeling of belonging, of connectivity. What arises? Was there a time in your life that you had a strong sense of belonging, and how did that affect you? Is belonging a thought or a feeling, or both? How do you know when you belong?
Do you have a sense of belonging in your present life?
Belonging is generally accompanied by a sense of expansiveness. Even in sad times there is a feeling that you can reach out and that you will be received in some way. There is an interior flow, a sense of well-being and connection.
Can you conjure feelings of not belonging, perhaps a time you were rejected or knew that the fit wasn’t right? It could have been with a group, with one person, or even your family. What are the overall and specific sensations that accompany the feeling of not belonging?
When we feel that we don’t belong, we may pull away from the world around us; there is usually a sense of contraction. We may look fully present, but inside we may be shrinking, feeling smaller. We lose the sense of flow between us and the world and feel that we would like to disappear or be invisible. We withdraw even from ourselves.
How we are received into the world is crucial to the sense of belonging. Are we welcomed? Are we kept warm and comfortable? During those first months are we left alone and crying for long periods? Are our bodies touched with respect and love?
Belonging begins even before we are born, in the comfort of the womb. Yet even that biological welcome is not guaranteed. I have read that mothers who have been in high-risk situations during pregnancy may have a uterus that is less relaxed.
Henning Kohler says that “a child’s own body is made the home of her soul-experiencing of the universal concept of ‘goodness’, that her body is the first conveyer of human warmth, tenderness, and the like.” This is what lays down a foundation “for the right basic development of the life sense.” The term ‘life sense” comes from Rudolph Steiner who talked about it as an experience of completeness. Steiner says this is what gives a child the agreeable sensation of ‘inner restfulness’ and ‘the security of self containment’. It is interesting that a healthy sense of self-containment actually leads to healthy connection with the world.
Perhaps a more prosaic way of talking about this is to say, ‘comfortable in one’s own skin’, and in that, there is again that sense of belonging. It is perhaps the most essential aspect of belonging, belonging to oneself. Steiner also spoke about the personal rhythm of the heart and the breath as being a foundation of ‘security and confidence’, and in this he is talking about a body as part of the fabric of one’s being. How we are in our body has a great deal to do with our comfort level in being in the world.
Chogyam Trungpa writes about a ‘basic sense of goodness’. This is profound for a culture that carries so much guilt and has been in part founded on the idea of original sin. And we are so used to connecting the idea of sin to the body, fearful that if we do not control the body and its impulses, terrible things will happen.
But, for many of us the sense of wholeness, of basic goodness may be at times, difficult to find. It may come and go all too fleetingly and seem such a struggle. But we know that belonging is something we want. We have a healthy desire to find our place, to be comfortable in ourselves and in the world.
Often we try to think our way into belonging in the world. We try to solve the problem of belonging with clever adaptations, by trying to make ourselves fit. These can work for a while, but eventually fall apart because the base is not sturdy. The foundation is not true; it cannot really carry us forward.
So can we as adults learn to become more comfortable in our own skin? Can we let ourselves belong?
In meditation we learn to focus on our breath and body. Initially, we may feel overcome by the chatter of our thinking processes. But after a while space opens up. In the process of sitting, we start to allow our bums to fully connect on the chair or cushion, to have the sensation of sitting, to become sitting. Of course if someone looked at us, we would appear to be sitting fine, but the more your body awareness develops, the more you can feel your shoulders lifting, your neck straining, or perhaps feel how you do not trust your breath to just happen.
Similarly, when we lie down, a part of us is still holding up. We are unable to find a way to trust the ground, to give into gravity, to let down more fully, to rest. Like belonging, trust is not so much thought, as it is a physical embodiment, a state of being.
As you are reading this are you straining unnecessarily?
We all have conscious and unconscious patterns of holding in our body. The more tight we are, the more numb we become and the more resistant to our own experience of living, often because we are afraid of feeling too much. It becomes an unhappy cycle. We can get to a point where our body feels like a machine, a vehicle for carrying our heads, our thinking, around.
Sometimes when an individual begins to reconnect deeply with his/her body, they can get in touch with formerly hidden levels of fatigue that he or she have been suppressing. Surprising feelings of anger, pain or sadness may result. Whether we get to the roots of all these feelings is not essential; what is important is that we find a way to be with them, to allow them to come and go with as little judgment as possible. We are practicing becoming with comfortable with ourselves, belonging to ourselves.
A body cannot be ‘done’ through the mind. Embodiment is an experience; it is a surrendering to the actuality of what is. When we bring our awareness to our body, healing begins to take place. Simple awareness, the regular bringing of oneself to sensation unravels tension. We do not need to fix our bodies, but to surrender to them, and this takes time. The time we give to ourselves in this way is a form of self-compassion, and that is an essential springboard for compassion in the world
As the body/mind process unfolds we unfold with it.
In this type of deep listening we begin to understand ourselves. Our body is not a tool or an instrument but a language that is speaking deep within us all the time, like a powerful underground river. With awareness we begin to develop a listening capacity that changes who we think we are.
Sara told me about a teacher of hers, who worked with a group of heavy duty investment traders. These guys thrived on stress and adrenalin. After the course a number of them quit. Once in touch, they could not perform in their former manner.
There are many ways to begin to find our way back into our bodies. We can set aside time to relax, to meditate, to quiet ourselves and tune in to sensation and feeling.
But we can also find ways to integrate simple body/mind awareness techniques into our daily lives.
Here are a few simple suggestions. Choose one that speaks to you, and do it regularly for a week: :
• Do something you love.
• Stretch completely before you get out of bed in the morning.
• Stretch regularly during the day.
• When you walk, feel your walk. Bring your attention away from thought back into the sensation of
movement, of your feet connecting with the ground.
• In any environment spend some time bringing you attention to actively seeing where you are, smell where
you are.
• When you take a break really enjoy that coffee and croissant.
• Look at the person you are talking to.
• Listen to your surroundings.
• Listen to whoever is talking to you.
• Pause before you speak.
• Actively close out the world several times a day, shut your eyes and breath.
• Touch yourself.
• Wear what you feel most comfortable in.
• Massage the inside of your own mouth with your tongue.
• Rub your ears.
• Scratch your head, it feels really good!
• Rub your hands together until they are warm and then place them lovingly over your own face, take a couple of breaths.
Remember that we are always changing, that we age, and as circumstances alter the way we live, we search for balance and growth.
Be aware that our ‘state of mind’ affects not only our interpretation of what happens to us, but our reactions to events and our life path.
Understand that our mind is not separate from our body. When we live as if it is, we suffer.
Experience feeling grounded. Grounded is not a concept but a way of being.
An open heart is not an idea. It is a way of living, something that we feel and experience.
Allow yourself to rest in your own body, to surrender to the inherent wisdom with which we are born.
Become whole as a human being by opening to your body as well as your mind. Becoming whole is to bring life into balance. It is a direct way to live on the earth with respect and dignity.
Another post in response:
When I read the recent note posted by Liz I was left feeling sad. I wasn't sure why. I think that this piece is beautifully written and there are so many layers of information to explore. I think that my sadness/ despair comes from not being "there yet" to be able to grasp some of the concepts. As if hearing a bunch of kids playing in a yard saying "come on in!" and I can hear that they're having a really good time but I'm not tall enough to reach the latch on the gate and they are having so much fun that they can't hear me calling out, "I can't reach". I think that my sadness also comes from knowing that I really do want to belong and feeling that if I can't grasp this mind/body stuff that I will never get into the yard. I will continue to rehash this stuff and muddle along.
