Awareness Within a Group
Usually, it is easier to be aware of ourselves when we are alone. When we are with others, it’s more common to revert unconsciously to our patterns, despite our best efforts and intentions. While some people view this situation with frustration, it is also a valuable opportunity to see our blind spots more clearly.
So, on the one hand, being in a group – a family gathering, a meeting at work, a volunteer committee, even a party -- can be a powerful situation in which to see our own automatic narratives and those of others. On the other hand, if you’re like me, being in a group is sometimes like having a grey blanket thrown over our awareness – there is so much happening all at once (even if at subtle levels) in terms of our internal reactions, and other peoples’ energy, words and actions, that I lose my sense of awareness about what’s going on. My mind just starts reacting automatically in its usual ways, with its usual stories.
I’ve found that developing awareness in group situations takes a long time, particularly in challenging family or work situations. Some ways to practice in daily life with ‘breaking through’ our cocoon of reactivity in a group:
--in the first five minutes of being in a group, try to focus on noticing what happens in your mind, rather than having another objective (whether we're aware of it or not, we usually do have another objective, such as having fun, making others comfortable, being right, understanding something)
--when you are tempted to speak, let one more person speak before you jump in, and notice what motivated you to speak; once you have tried that a few times, you can try this exercise letting two or three people speak before you do; this helps us to break out of a reactive need to jump in without awareness
--find some kind of reminder that helps you to notice your mind – for example, you could decide that every time a certain person speaks it will be a reminder to slow down (or, wake up) and notice your mind
--for a particular gathering where you are not as emotionally involved, you could focus on listening for the ways in which our stories vary and how most groups tend to skate past those differences without a lot of curiosity or acknowledgement.
I wrote in an email to an introverted friend once, where I talked about the impact of being in groups:
"It's interesting...reading your email, I wondered if that's why you prefer to spend so much time alone. It seems like those challenging feelings are somewhat inevitable when we get into the complexity of constant contact with individuals and groups. There is so much 'dirty' communication under the surface, sometimes I feel like I need a shower. (another friend calls it that -- 'dirty' -- meaning that it carries other intentions and emotions than what is being stated, which almost all communication does, and we pick that up intuitively without always understanding it).
You're a very smart and intuitive guy--that ‘underworld’ of communication must be somewhat palpable to you in the way it is to me. For me it's not wholly or even mostly about me. It's about the crosscurrent too, of peoples' interactions with each other in front of me. I often feel shame or anxiety on behalf of others. I know you don't see yourself as highly empathic but I think you are, and that might be why you find being with people so draining sometimes."
This is just how it is. There is nothing to be fixed here. It’s just about sharpening our awareness of how our clashing stories, which lead to their attendant reactions and defenses, play out in a group setting – so that we may be less ‘hooked’ by them and more able to be peaceful and helpful.
“Even if you are only interested in finding out what is happening in yourself, without the challenge of relationship, how will you find out? If you isolate yourself, a lot of buttons will not be pushed. It’s only in relationship that our deep-seated programs of defense, attack and hurt are mobilized. We mirror and trigger each other. What is hurt in myself is also hurt in you. You say something that hurts the image that I have of myself, and I say something back that hurts your image of yourself. If that is all that is going on, then nothing is learned. Something else has to enter into the relationship: open, spacious listening to what is going on in myself as you talk, as I am about to attack you or defend myself. Without this new element of open listening, we will just keep on going in our habitual patterns.”
Toni Packer, The Light of Discovery
