Anxiety and Control
My experience was that being ‘controlling’ got me what I wanted. It landed me an executive job, and also kept me vigilantly on the lookout to solve problems, push away the unwanted, and draw in what seemed good. Sometimes I think of my old self as a 360 degree rotating head surveying the landscape, asking “Any problem over there? What about over there? What about over there?”, watching for whatever clouds might rain on my parade or on those I care about.
The good news (or is it the bad news?) is that that approach can actually work, on one level. It can get you the job, the house, the other pieces (toys, friendships, etc.) that add up to ‘the good life’, as well as a sense that you’re protecting your loved ones and doing all the right things. You may believe that life will have fewer disappointments and accidents if you continue to keep your radar on and respond appropriately to all changes and challenges. It’s difficult for us to let go of trying to control situations when it seems to reap so many benefits!
It’s true that the constant vigilance might prevent a specific problem from occurring. At the same time, however, it helps to bring about other problems. Unfortunately, we rarely tune into the drawbacks of our controlling behavior.
The more obvious drawbacks are that we end up housing a significant level of anxiety and tension in our bodies, in order to keep our “high perception” radar turned on at all times. Not only is this anxiety energy-draining, but over time it’s likely to cause health problems – overeating, heart problems, depression, high blood pressure or other issues. Also, our controlling behavior usually means we implicitly not trusting others – our friends, spouses, co-workers, children) to ‘do the job right’. Consequently, we are diminishing those we care about by not empowering them to learn and do things for themselves – even if it means they make mistakes or do the job less perfectly. In addition, we are modeling for others (particularly our children) that the way to live is to be anxious, worried, controlling and perfectionist.
The less obvious drawbacks are that there isn’t much time or attention spent noticing what is right here – the sighing swaying trees, the loving smile, the subtle feeling. All of one’s time and attention must go to the vigilance. The mental chatter that accompanies anxiety actually blocks perception of or intuition about other problems, that might have been seen if it wasn’t for the vigilance. You may find yourself from time to time thinking, “How could I possibly have missed that?” and going forward you turn up the dial on the radar even further. This pattern continues to take away from your connection with the present and with what is really happening around you and inside of you. In a sense, you are giving up your actual life, your real life, for one that you (in isolation from real life) falsely believe that you can sculpt and control…no matter how many times you have been proven wrong.
The truth is that life will be full of beautiful moments and full of problems, many of them out of our control. It’s as if there is a choice: We can surrender to that truth, and decide to enjoy life as it actually is: uncertain, fraught with peril, full of unpredictable beauty and pain. Or, we can trade our aliveness and even happiness for the false security of the anxiety and vigilance – then when something goes wrong, we can at least say to ourselves: “I did everything I could”…or would we be anxious wondering if even that isn’t true?
“There is often a vague sense of danger with which we greet almost every person and every situation. If it had a voice, it might whisper, ‘please don’t hurt me’.” Ezra Bayda, Saying Yes to Life
“Anxiety is always about the future. Bring your mind to the present, to what is happening right now, and you can recognize anxiety as just another thought.” Ezra Bayda, Saying Yes to Life
Next: Exploration: Noticing Suggesting, Directing, Controlling
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