Another Example of Observing
I remember a time when my sense of self was strongly centred on a couple of things which both disappeared from my life at the same time (a relationship and a meaningful volunteer role). I wrote this to a friend at the time, after I had had some years of experience in looking at my mind:
Lots of "storyline" I could tell you about (lots!) but it's not what's most important. Actually my main practice at the moment is actually seeing storyline more closely...seeing how almost all mental activity is the building and repair and patching and shifting and reconstruction of storyline. You know...what that event means...what that person is like...what you’ll do about that situation…what's the best course of action...why that thing happened...what will happen next...why do you care about that anyway?...all that mental chitchat...
had a couple of life events that blew up a couple of my most grounding and substantial storylines (beliefs/themes/frameworks) like dynamite blowing up a building...so very interesting to be with that destruction and see what happens...it really put the storyline thing front and center, to see my mind scrambling to deal with major holes in the frameworks that had previously made me feel centered and happy and inspired and secure
see the work crew of ‘mental minions’ getting to work in my mind, assessing the damage, seeing what can be salvaged, getting out the hammer and nails and boards to patch things up, or "maybe we should build a new structure, this one is damaged beyond repair"
the networks of storylines feels like such a thin veil, a fragile house of cards that stands between me and a groundless vastness where the storyline is just a story, just entertainment, just an interpretation, one of many hundreds or thousands that are possible...gossamer strands in a vast empty space, that both imprison me and make me feel safe...it feels so clear this week
an interesting thing I saw today is when I stopped myself from rebuilding/reframing a "damaged" section of storyline just to see what would be there, it wasn't vastness that was underneath, but older, more in-the-body stories that are more feelings than stories...old wounds that are irrational in their storylines…so the newer, rational story line keeps pushing back and layering over...when I don't let myself go there, the old wounds are exposed and just THERE, very depressing...and not sure what to do with it...I know that the new storyline isn't a way of being present...and the wound story underneath is simply an older story that's not right either...so I'm trying to just see it all unfold without thinking I have to decide something about how to work with it...
maybe being present is simply being willing for all that to come up, without rushing to make a new storyline...the commitment to being present with what arises in the mind, unfettered...the belief that being present in every moment is more important and more impactful than any organized way of being in the world, more important than any storyline
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“when something like this happens, when things one has been holding onto are crumbling, can one go slowly, not immediately building up something in their stead? That’s what the brain immediately tries to do: build a new structure. Rather, can one remain utterly silent with that state of uprootedness, lostness, not knowing where to go, not knowing what one really is or what it is that one has nourished and cherished, not grasping anything at all? Questioning it all, holding onto nothing, open to all the fears of insecurity, pain and sinking feelings that the physical organism produces as an accompaniment to the thoughts? Can one just be with all of that, wholly, without looking for a result? Just be with it because it’s there, like the wind, the cicadas, the cool rain, the gurgling in the stomach, the breathing?”
Toni Packer, The Work of This Moment
Next: Taking Action -- Or Not?
